How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm too high and old for this...
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