If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Randomize
