Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
