I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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