i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
