I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
