Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
even my farts smell like vagina
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
