Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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