We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
