I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
