Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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