were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize