i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
