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• (609): View more from New Jersey

  I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.

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• (772): View more from Florida

  you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted

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• (818): View more from California

  If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.

  (323): View more from California

  Sounds like a plan.

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• (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even

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• (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.

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• (478): View more from Georgia

  this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.

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• (402): View more from Nebraska

  You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon

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• (623): View more from Arizona

  Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer

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• (573): View more from Missouri

  Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals

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• (954): View more from Florida

  He left his cock-ring in my truck.

  (305): View more from Florida

  Consider it a gay sex souvenir.

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• (973): View more from New Jersey

  And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.

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• (614): View more from Ohio

  This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue

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• (256): View more from Alabama

  According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.

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• (314): View more from Missouri

  will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?

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• (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more

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