So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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