Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
