the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Barsexuality is the new black.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
