just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
