i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
she peed on how many people?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
