Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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