every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
