Umm I'm too high to move.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize