remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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