Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
