I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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