you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
