Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Randomize
