It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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