shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I pour the whiskey from now on
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
