have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
