dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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