Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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