I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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