the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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