Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Randomize
