I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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