Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
