i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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