These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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