two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Semen is not good for contacts.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
