If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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