There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
