need another drink. this is the easiest way
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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