a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
