Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
