Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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