I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
