omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
