Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
