every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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