the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
