When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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