If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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