omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
