What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
