I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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