I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
