cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
