Tell her she can't have a vagina
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
