There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
