connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
well most of my day revolves around power hour
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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