Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
