I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
