drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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