I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
