We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
