Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
