Did you just see the Batmobile???
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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