Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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