Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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