meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
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