Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
